Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Welcome to my home!

I am going to pretend to be my husband, whom I love very dearly, and who is pretty much the best husband ever. But sometimes I need to complain about some things. I am fantastically petty.

Hi! Welcome! Come on in! Don't worry about your boots, even if you have stepped in dog poop, please walk around on the white tile that the children crawl on. It's cool!

Do you have trash? Please throw it in the sink! That's where all the trash goes! I believe there are bonus points for getting beer caps in the garbage disposal. No one has told me this, but for some reason I seem to believe it.

When we start the laundry, we have to make sure to pack the washer beyond capacity. Jess has had to replace various parts of the motor several times now, and she is just so proud that she knows how to do it, I like to give her lots of opportunity. It REALLY helps her self-esteem.

Do you want to brush your teeth? Please do so as close to the mirror as possible, we love splatter! Also, if you can drop gobs of toothpaste in the sink and then not rinse them out, that is bonus. Would you like to shave over the sink and not deal with that either? That's our favorite!

Please remember to leave a pair of shoes inexplicably in front of both the kitchen sink and the bathroom sink. This is very important.

Would you like to sleep here? Find some way of bringing an enormous amount of grit into bed with you. If the floor has been recently swept, this may be a challenge, but it must be done.

Please put on enough blankets that you sweat yourself half to death during the night, leaving a peculiar odor lingering in the room, and convincing your mate that you have in fact peed the bed (seriously, I just sweat that much!)

Now that it's morning, I will pour us both some coffee. This countertop is too clean, so I think I will sprinkle it with sugar* and then slop some coffee in the sugar so that it won't come up without soaking it. I mean, why spill sugar if it's not going to stay? Avoid wasted effort, I always say.

Now it's time to feed the children. It's not a problem if they dump their cereal on the floor, Jess will deal with that in ten hours when it's all stuck on.

Do you think we could use a few more dishes? I mean, if all we had was cereal, then I think there should be a filthy roasting pan left on the stove, just to keep everyone on their toes. Without a little mystery, what is life, eh?

* this man cleaned up his own sugar very nicely this morning. I was so excited I almost cried. Also, none of this annoyance would happen if he weren't feeding children, pouring me coffee, doing laundry, and lots of other things that make me a very lucky person. I realize that.

1 comment:

  1. If I didn't know better I would swear we were sharing the same husband. Do they go to a special school for this sh*t??