Thursday, January 29, 2009

The Drunken Mothering Feasibility Study:

5:20 PM: Dinner is going, I think I'll have a few glasses of wine. One kid is sick, the other kid is the good kid, there's a movie on, and I feel like starting a blog.

5:30 PM: Dinner is done. Wait, I need to make rice.

6 pm: My hand hurts so badly. Rice is done. Chicken stew, check. Blog, blogged. Children, adorable. And soaking wet. Okay, everyone into the bathroom for diaper and wardrobe changes! Yes of course you can have more chocolate milk.

6:05: First snag in drunken plan. Husband calls from work with frozen throttle cable. I am home, and in fact talking to him on the phone, but decide to pretend that I am the answering machine, since there is no way I can drive. He is skeptical, but decides maybe he doesn't need a ride after all.

7pm: Drunken mothering study closed down when I realized things like this should stay private. As long as the kids survive, everything's cool.

This is purely satire. Really. Really.

Why I'm here.

Maya's 3. She knows I'm a nurse, and this name came the day she had all these horrible midnight shakes and sweats and went to the doctor. She had said the magic words "My pee hurts." Don't ever ever tell a doctor 1) your pee hurts or 2) you have rectal bleeding (I mean, actually, tell them, it's just that the workup is really unpleasant). I helped with the catheterization, and afterwards she was furious with me. She said "you're a hurty nurse." My heart was broken, even as I laughed! It's especially hurtful because it ties into the whole reason that I take a pill, which is that one day, in my postpartum depression, I had to hurt a patient. There was not enough pain medication to make what I had to do comfortable, and he cried the whole time. I felt horrible. I cried all the way home, pulled it together to pick up the kids, cried all the way through dinner and cried myself to sleep. I realized "I need to get this treated." I like to make people feel better, not worse. I don't get out of bed in the morning to hurt people. This is one of the reasons I'd like to get out of oncology. I love the cancer patients, but I don't want to give them chemo. I know it saves so many lives, but I never want to make someone feel worse. I am drawn to hospice and palliative care because of that desire, and because that's ALL they do, we don't have to worry about blood pressures or fevers or long-term consequences. It's just about making people feel better.

Also, I need an outlet. I need you. Even if you're not there. I love you!