Why I'm here.

Maya's 3. She knows I'm a nurse, and this name came the day she had all these horrible midnight shakes and sweats and went to the doctor. She had said the magic words "My pee hurts." Don't ever ever tell a doctor 1) your pee hurts or 2) you have rectal bleeding (I mean, actually, tell them, it's just that the workup is really unpleasant). I helped with the catheterization, and afterwards she was furious with me. She said "you're a hurty nurse." My heart was broken, even as I laughed! It's especially hurtful because it ties into the whole reason that I take a pill, which is that one day, in my postpartum depression, I had to hurt a patient. There was not enough pain medication to make what I had to do comfortable, and he cried the whole time. I felt horrible. I cried all the way home, pulled it together to pick up the kids, cried all the way through dinner and cried myself to sleep. I realized "I need to get this treated." I like to make people feel better, not worse. I don't get out of bed in the morning to hurt people. This is one of the reasons I'd like to get out of oncology. I love the cancer patients, but I don't want to give them chemo. I know it saves so many lives, but I never want to make someone feel worse. I am drawn to hospice and palliative care because of that desire, and because that's ALL they do, we don't have to worry about blood pressures or fevers or long-term consequences. It's just about making people feel better.

Also, I need an outlet. I need you. Even if you're not there. I love you!